I am no longer just waiting for my life to get better, but I am creating it for myself.
Before I started doing these meetings I felt like my world was just stuck in one place. I had the support around me and people to rely on. I was playing well in my sports and doing fine in school but something always felt missing. No matter how much I succeeded, I never was able to soak it all in and enjoy it because I was too worried about reaching perfection. Because of this, I wasn’t seeing as much personal growth as I had hoped which led to a lot of my worries. As a kid, I was a very confident and bold person but as I got into middle school age all of that stopped. I wasn’t in musicals anymore and I became quieter and more introverted than I ever had before. I hid behind others and thought it was better for myself to stay in the shadows so I would save myself from the judgement of others. It was at this point I started to develop my anxiety and fears of not being good enough for people.
I saw this change mostly when I was playing sports. I felt like by making mistakes I was letting everyone down and I was never going to be good enough for people. I had no idea how I could get through this mindset so everything just remained the same. I would get so worked up about even small mistakes or failures that it would affect my whole game. At this point in my life, even my wins and personal successes didn’t feel like a happy moment, instead it felt like I was playing catch-up with my own expectations. I held myself to levels that a middle school kid should never be able to achieve, which I found out the hard way. Because of this, I also found it hard to be a leader on my team and be a better teammate.
Once I started this journey to a better mental state, I could already see myself having a happier life and better relationships with the people around me. When I first started this, I was towards the end of my basketball season, including a couple really tough games for me mentally, so I thought it was a good time to start. Even though I hadn’t done much yet, I was very excited for this process to start and to see my life change. I found that happiness doesn’t have to come only from how well I perform athletically or academically, but I can create it for myself. Now, I’m finding out I have the leadership skills I have been searching for, I just didn’t know how to use them. I have become a better person to be around and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I hope that I can become a leader that shows people that there is no way to skip over hard times, but there are people and things that can make them easier.
During this, I have really found direction in my life and I feel like I can make differences. I am no longer just waiting for my life to get better, but I am creating it for myself. I have figured out how to value my own thoughts over the ones of others and to make sure I am responding more positively to setbacks. At this point I don’t want to make a difference just to prove to others that I could, but I want to do it for myself. I feel that I owe it to myself to make the most of my life and enjoy the time I have. I want to be a better person for myself so I can support myself when everything else feels lost. I want to be able to show others that even though life may feel like an impossible task that will never end, the people you meet along the way will help make it easier, and if you’re lucky, like me, life will become something I savor every time I wake up. Ultimately I want to become a better role model for my brother, the people I already have, and the people I will meet along the way, and that's my why.